Friday, March 10, 2006

Retrospect on a late January entry

26th Jan

It doesn’t take too long for a man to realise the odds are against him. Chances are, the odds are always against him. Somewhere between selling your soul to the devil and seeking retribution from a God who doesn’t show himself, you lose count. The dice rolls and you roll with it.

It was a surprise, then, to know that the ties you had severed with the real world still held fast in another dimension that was slowly edging forward to consume you.

He replied to my message.

A long silence and a cryptic laugh wasn’t much of a reply. But it was something.

And yet, beyond the relief that those who once covered your back on the field still remembered your name, I couldn’t help but feel an overbearing sense of impending doom.

A voice in my head said this is where it starts all over again. But I was wrong. It had started long back. And there was nothing I could do about it.

The dice rolls and you roll with it.


Endgame, I said. You have nothing left to shoot me with.

But he did.

When the world starts slipping away, you grasp at anything - rope, snake. The hand that pushes you over the edge is the hand that you reach for because there is no other in sight. And then, in a miraculous twist of sadistic irony, it pulls you back up.

He had the gun at my back only because I had given it to him that night.

And when you are left at the mercy of your own mistakes, all you can do is distance yourself from it. You can deny its memory. You can deny its tempting deception.

He is in Pune today. I haven't seem him since that night.

Endgame, I said. You have nothing left to shoot me with.

But he did. He had plenty to knock me down and send me to kingdom come. He just didn't know it yet. ...I hope he never does.

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